You Are So Gross Mr Gleg

o.k, judging by how quick i am following up my 1st email 'Gaijin comin on you' you can probably tell that i am bored shitless, i mean, what is the deal with kids being on holiday and me stuck in a deserted school. the only dude here today is the principal, and he sits downstairs in his office, betcha he has air con as well! while i am stuck at a comp that would probably start wailing if i looked at a porn site, its like what i imagine hell to be like, hehehehehe.

let me bring you up to speed at where i am living, seiwa is in the kumamoto prefecture, kinda like manurewa being in counties region, .kumamoto is in Kyushu, which is the bottom of japan, go have a look at a map http://www.crwflags.com/fotw/flags/geo-jp.html i am on the boarder of # 43 44 & 45.

i really am in the wop wops, i think i am in the smallest vilage of anyone i know, (yah me) i am still waiting for some toothless hillbilly to approach me and say in broken english 'you sure got a purty mouth' thats why i blacken my teeth with marmite before i leave the house each day, so i can fit right in, come to think of it, i hear a bit of pig squealing going on in the hills, i choose to ignore it though.

ok so when you are new to a place, surely you would think that ppl would tell you what the deal is with rubbish days and other things, like maybe how to work the rice cooker and washing machine! but no, my tantosha drops me off and says goodbye, leaving me by myself in the house, i had to take my rice cooker down to the lady at the library to find out how it worked! the other thing that was funny, we only could take one bag with us to japan, so of course there was no room for towels, when my tantosha found out i didnt have a towel, he brought one over along with what he called shampoo, how nice of him. except when he came back the next day to show me how to work the t.v, i asked him how to work the washing machine, so we put my dirty clothes in and then the 'shampoo' i thought 'fuk, lucky i didnt wash my hair with that shit' the japanese version of showing you how to do something is to do it real quick so you have no chance of learning what they just did. picture this, in japan it is still a segregated society, women do the cleaning and the men earn the money (i love this place) so there is my tantosha who cant speak english trying to tell me what the Kanji means on the washing machine, 'Gleg San, push this button, then this then this blah blah blah', and hey presto your clothes are washed, i said thankyou and fuckyou in my head, it wasnt untill the nice japanese christian family down the road came over and i asked her about it, she showed me what to do, except it WAS shampoo that my tantosha had brought me, she almost fell over laughing when i explained what had happened, i just thought that i had skidded up my undies real bad, jks (you are so gross Mr Gleg)

the other thing that was kinda funny was when we 1st arrived the fridge was bare, so they took me to the A-Coop (supermarket) and gave me a basket to buy my food, while they stood at the checkouts watching like hawks (they must have heard about my earlier conviction for shoplifting) so i just brought some bananas and junk food, guess what i had for dinner that night? bananas. nearly everything is about 200 yen, which is just abit cheaper than 4$ coke? 178 yen, cereal? 212 yen. can of fruit is 100 yen.

now that i know how to work the rice cooker, i have rice and tuna, mmmmmm i feel skinnier already, ewwww you know what? me and Iihoshi San (tantosha) went to kumamoto, so he could show me they way for my orientation this thursday to sunday, hehehe that should be cool! except, he got lost and only quickly pointed things out, where to park, where to stay, where the conference is. did you know that you have to pay to park your car overnight here? you cant just park it anywhere, freaky. so anyways we went to lunch, and i got this omlette, but it was a rice one (surprise surprise) and it had like cricket wings sticking out of it, except heaps of them, so i was eating, and out of the corner of my eye i see these 'wings' moving, not from the wind, but all individual motions, Iihoshi san saw me looking intently at the plate and started laughing, he was almost pissing his pants, it was so gross. i quickly looked up in the dictionary and asked him what it was, and he explained that they were fish scales, that have been scrapped off the fish and then dried, then sprinkled on top! isnt that farken gross? needless to say i didnt eat the rest, funny thing is, yesterday i brought the principal and vice-principal a ice block, the vice-principal returned my favour by offering me some of his lunch, it was a minature version of that shit that i ate in kumamoto! i said thankyou, ate some, swallowed some, then after 5 minutes, went and drank a big glass of water. i am sure Iihoshi san told them that i didnt like that stuff.

on sunday night i went down to the Masuda's family house for tea, they are christians (the wolf has invaded the flock) they have a beautiful 2 story log house, which he made himself. i was asking them about rubbish days, as japan has a strict recycling system, they said to sort my rubbish into 3 piles, cans, paper and the rest. i told them it was too late, as i had been dumping my rubbish in the river next to my house, they gave me that stunned mullet look, so i told them 'joku' (joke) heheehheehe, that would have been funny though. be like real ignorant 'well thats what we do in n.z'

the poor guy mr masuda loves horses, and in kumamoto they eat them! i feel like i am in tonga. he has been to n.z and he said that everyone was real friendly to him, i think he was high on crack when he was here.

i think i have realised what my biggest handicap that i am facing here is (and no, it is not me) my 2 predecessors were different (really?) the dude who just left after 3 years was 43! i thought the asian lady who told me that got her english mixed up, as the age limit for this programme is 35 (even then is that youth?) but he was really that old, hence the reason i am not allowed to drive the car out of the village area. and the dude before him was 29 and married to a japanese lady. i am on strike 2 and havent even reached the batters area!

On friday night, the lady at the library gave me a free ticket to go to the village puppet theatre, thats what puts this town on the map in japan, its like talking about Northcrest, and people say 'oh, where the she-males are?' so anyways i cant read Kanji (japanese characters) all i can see are 2 times, 7pm and 7.30pm, now apparently the japanese are very tight on their time keeping (samoans wouldnt make it here, jks bro) so i turn up 5 to 7pm and take my seat, only to slowly realise that the Kanji said 'doors open 7, show starts at 7.30pm' d'oh. which means i had to sit through 30 min of whisper whisper GAIJIN whisper whisper. and everyone staring at me, as if i had the largest member in the world, oh wait, i do. Back on track, the show wasnt bad, it was like an opera with this old bird and a young one, but then half way through (it was a kids show) the girl comes into the crowd to sing with the kids, i tried to look as small as possible at that point and tried hard to slant my eyes, because if i was that chick i would have come straight to me and had a good laugh while i tried to pronounce the japanese words, while trying to carry a tune. i was lucky that she didnt though. it was dark when i was walking home, no street lights, i tell ya, it is creepy at night, too many natural noises for my liking............so i ran (run forrest run)

did a good deed the other day, i was coming back from the post office, and i this little mama-san motioned me to come to her, she pointed at this tyre on the ground and a pot plant next to it, i thought maybe that the wheel had come off a car, but after her motioning and pointing i told her to fuk up and learn some english, as she was wasting my time, nah, but that would've been funny aye? anyways i picked up the pot plant and smashed it on her head like in wrestling, POW! nah i put the plant on top of the tyre, and low and behold she pulls out a packet of chewing gum and gives it to me, so cool. either i did good, or had bad breath. anyways if i ever want a packet of gum, i am just going to go down to her house at night and lift a potplant off one of the tyres, and then walk by the next day, heheheheehhehe.

did you know that going to the movies is about 40NZD$!!!!!

i have been swimming after school, there is a elementary school across the road that i go to, i jump the fence and have a quick 10 laps. then shoot back home, as they say 'you can take the boy out of south auckland, but not the south auckland out of the boy' i bet the kiddie fiddler priests say something else even dirtier.

did everyone know that i am going to church next sunday?, i figure the tresspass order doesnt cover as far as japan, i am making a new start, a fresh outlook on life. can you figure, thats how boring it is here at the mo'

did you know that no one signs anything over here? they all have stamps with their signature (kanji) on them, so lazy and cool, cant wait to get mine. its going to make tagging so much easier.

i you dont like bugs, then i wouldnt come over here, they breed, yes breed beetles, as pets, that is so gross. also the tombo (dragonfly) are huge, the come flying at you, trying to psyche me out i think

for lunch today, the vice-principal brought in what i initally thought were iceblocks, as i got closer, i realised that they were fish on a stick, and they were complete! he asked if i wanted some, i said kawai, which means scarey (i get called that alot) but i was hungry so i started to eat it, it wasnt too bad, it just looks gross. i think he was impressed that i ate it all, i bet they will start putting rotten food on my plate just to see if i will eat it or not. bastards

well i get off in 30 min, then its off to the onsen (hot pool) did you know that they go naked? i hope my big fulla doesnt get a fright and hide in the cave (you are so gross Mr Gleg) i might just get a string of sausages and hook them on, they would probably think that it was real, thats how naive they are. so i might slap them in the face with it, by the way the onsen's are segregated, just in case you are thinking dirty thoughts

did you know that foreigners only make up 0.8% of the population! freaky aye.

let you guys know my other adventures when i get back from the big smoke.

cheers for those of yous who replied, means alot. oh well back to the rice paddies me thinks

With regards,

Greg Lambert